The Crazy Suburban Mom: 2014-06-01

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Stop it!

I've felt gigantic my entire life.  My mother and sister were/are very petite, thin people, and me?  I was taller then my mother by the time I was nine and reached 5' 9" by high school.  And I had a weight problem.

There was, and still is, an emotional eating component as well as a body image issue.  Objectively there were times I was not overweight, and times I was very thin - too thin - but I never got past feeling abnormally large. Period.  I constantly compared my size to my mother who was 5' 3" and at her heaviest, 105 pounds.  I was an inch taller and 13 pounds heavier then that by age 12.

Plus at 5'9" I am truly taller then most women so even when I wasn't directly comparing myself, or comparing myself at all, the message that I am too big was there. 

Women's clothing sizes and options are crazy making.  You can be overweight and find clothes or tall and find clothes but you can't be overweight and tall and find clothes easily.   Pants are ALWAYS too short, sleeves  never quite right and a Maxi is never maxi enough..  

I spent most of my life dieting and comparing;  I'm exhausted .... 

 “Fighting external monsters is easy in comparison
 to how we fight those within us.” ― Jeffrey Fry

Recently, I had a convoluted dream that at it's core was a message, "You are doing this to yourself, stop it." 

Could it be as simple as stop it?  


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Sunday, June 1, 2014

Losing your best friend

I haven't done much posting in the last month, and while I've done some videos, most haven't been about a Filofax brand organizer which makes me sad. I feel an emotional connection to my Filofax binders; something akin to the connection for a friend who helped pull me out the other side of hard times.


These binders of mine are more then tools; they are my confidants, my road maps to success, the leather-wrapped, physical  embodiment of my inner voice, nudzhing me to get all to-dos, to-done.  A Filofax, and the pages therein,  are where I go when I need to mull things over, find an obscure but needed bit of information, tackle obstacles, and dream about what could be.  And they are one of the few things in my life all about me.

Untitled


This morning I was thinking this over when an email popped in my inbox about a half price sale on black personal Maldens (on the UK site).  I went right over to see about it and yep, half price black Maldens.   I clicked on the other colors to be sure they weren't on sale and nope.  Not on sale or in stock so I clicked back to the black one.  In a matter of a few seconds the black one was gone too.

I went to the US site to check and anything that had big enough rings and a good design in leather was out of stock.

Filofax


So, where does this leave me?  The newer models don't do it for me, there are fewer and fewer leather models, and none look like they will age well.  The pocket configurations are odd, the rings don't hold up under normal use,  they arrive in your mailbox, unprotected, thrown in an envelope, and none look like someone acquainted with planner use tested the design prior to production.

Add to all of that; any possible candidates go out of stock before I have time to consider my purchase and save up for it.

Change is inevitable but this doesn't feel like change; it feels like the dismantling of something special. This morning it got to me.  I feel an indefinable loss that I can't quite wrap my head around and feels oddly like grief...  Like I've lost something special.

filofax

Or my best friend.


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