The Crazy Suburban Mom: Granny Panties Past

Friday, October 21, 2011

Granny Panties Past

     I drove my son to a friend's house last Saturday.  I was hassled and it was early so I grabbed the keys, stepped into flip-flops, and ran out the door in my pajamas.

     Besides the flip-flops and shooting-star flannel pajama pants, I wore an inside-out puke yellow nightshirt. On the way out I checked in with the mirror and decided I was presentable for this circumstance because:

a. I wasn’t getting out of the car.
b. The trip would take less than 15 minutes.
c. The night shirt looked like a T-shirt (albeit an inside-out T-shirt) and the chances of someone seeing my shooting star bottoms were practically nil if I maintained the speed limit.

The ride was uneventful. I listened to talk radio and the boy, his iPod. Someone on the radio was complaining. The sun was in my eyes. People tried to pass me for no other reason then they (thought they) could.  I looked in my rear view mirror to see which idiot was going to try next and that’s when it happened. 

Instead of seeing the cars behind me; I saw Grandma. But not the Grandma with perfect nails and freshly pressed attire; Grandma, the day she opened her apartment door wearing  underwear and holding an enema bag.

     It was (way back) when I was eighteen. Grandma always had maple walnut ice cream and my mother didn’t, so Grandma's was a good place to drive after school. I knocked like always anticipating nothing but cold mapley goodness, instead I was greeted with Grandma and her enema bag saying, "Tracy! Good, you can help me with something."

I (stunned to near unconscious) just wanted to rewind my life to a week ago last Friday, "Uh, that’s okay, you look,"-- Pause a minute from the story. Believe me when I tell you I was struggling for the next word--  "...Busy?"

  My horror at this point (Although, unless you've seen granny panties with you're actual Granny inside them, it's probably pointless but do you're best.) was total.  

I had never seen my Grandma in her underwear before, a fact I was way more then good with. Just about then things she said to me over the years came to me in a gross misfortune of memory. Stomach ache? You need a good physic... (Her word for laxative.) Headache. Physic. Confused? Get yourself a Physic.

 " Got to move those bowels", she would say."

     So between the tumbling memory of all that was physic, the enema bag staring at me and Grandma standing in her open doorway practically naked, I was on overload.  I guess I started backing away from the door because  Grandma and her bag laughed at me, "Don’t be silly, come in." 

 And with that Grandma walked into her kitchen, which was right inside the front door, where she resumed defrosting her freezer.

With the enema bag.

     I never forgot the day of my Granny in Granny Panties and I've thought about it a lot.

 I don't want to; it’s just hard visual to forget.

  But there she was the other day, in my rear view mirror, smiling, nodding, pointing to an enema bag and it was more then a bit scary until I realized she had come to save me from going farther down that slippery slope she herself had gone down all those years before.

Think about it...

     How is it that one day going out without mascara is unthinkable? And the next day (or next week, or year…They all sort of run together) the only mascara you have on is what’s left under your eyes from the night before?  

How does acceptable public attire go from looking hot, to presentable, to at least I'm clean, to.... Well, no one is going to see my shooting star pajama pants anyway.

 And take it from me, when going out in your shooting star pajamas becomes okay you're so far down the slope you need divine intervention from The Ghost of Granny Panties Past.

I just showed you the next step and it’s not pretty. 



Lynette 10/21/11, 1:31 PM  

Ohhhhh Shhhhhhoooootttt! I am sliding so fast down that hill....did you know I was here in my pj's cause I did not wanna dress today? Dang it, now out comes the heels, house dress and gloves again!

Christina - Rant Rave Roll 10/21/11, 1:36 PM  

Forget the enema bag and the mental picture.... I'm still trying to figure out shy she was defrosting the fridge in her panties.

Darcie (My Modern Country) 10/21/11, 4:19 PM  

OMG this is hilarious! The older I get, the more I have these types of "encounters". Thanks for another reminder!

Babes Mami 10/21/11, 11:56 PM  

My friends make fun of me a lot because I refuse to go out in pjs and I always make sure I have decent panties on just in case I get in an accident lol. I have loosened up to where I will go out in black yoga pants occasionally but I can pass that off as 'on my way home from the gym' or 'on my way to the gym'

Grampy 10/22/11, 6:55 AM  

Thanks for the laugh Tracy. The visions in my head however are a bit scary.If you come to my house after dark. You will find me in my pajamas. Only because they are so comfortable. I walk the dog with them on at night also.I believe the thing is. After you get older, you worry more about being comfortable rather than what people are saying. By the way, I don't wear pajamas to bed. Just a little unnecessary sharing there.

Joyce Lansky 10/23/11, 12:51 AM  

An enema bag by itself is not a pretty site.


Lin 10/24/11, 10:05 PM  


I never go out without look presentable because when I do, it never fails that I see someone I know. I throw on jeans and a hoodie on the worst days and that is as bad as it gets. I never drove the kids to school in jammies for fear that I would get a flat or in an accident. That would be just my luck!

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