The Crazy Suburban Mom: Joan Rivers, Bloomingdale's and my Mammogram

Friday, February 25, 2011

Joan Rivers, Bloomingdale's and my Mammogram

A few weeks ago I was in bed, trying to get comfy, but couldn't; I was having the usual issues.  Sometimes my body  feels like a million unconnected parts and no, I can't explain that but a contributing factor are the positions of my bed/TV.  The bed's ridiculously high (being an old water bed frame) and the TV's  low in comparison because it's sitting on a dresser.

I can't sit with my back against the headboard because there isn't one, or lay on my side because you really can't see from that angle, and if I lay on my back my chins (yeah, chins... are) so low it's like I don't know, they sit between my boobs...  Which brings me to the main point (lump, actually) of this post.

I was attempting to move the girls out of the way  of my chins when I felt a lump on the underside of Charlotte.  The best way to describe this is visually ...


That's a Quarter Pounder with Cheese where I found the lump and no offense meant to Quarter Pounders with Cheese,  I love them.  I think of them all the time which is probably why they popped into my mind when I needed a lump; I'm hungry.

Good thing I wasn't thinking of  Twilight or that might have been Robert Pattinson's face on my boob and he probably would have taken umbrage to being my lump. 

I felt for it again but it was gone.  (Odd, right?)  I was overdue  - Years overdue - for a mammogram and would call for one tomorrow but then, I don't know.  I didn't.  About a week ago  I saw Joan Rivers' new TV show and she made this joke about her boobs being so saggy she can have a pedicure and a mammogram at the same time and I laughed and thought, Good one, Joan! Me too! And than oh!  Charlotte.  Right.  Thanks Joan for the reminder!

I had it done yesterday and planned to bring my camera phone and take  pictures but seems I've lost my phone and...Yeah.  No squished booby shots.  Plus my lost camera is now sort of a huge issue .... 

The really odd thing is... Not that having a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for a breast lump isn't odd  but the really odd thing is there was nothing by the Quarter Pounder with Cheese...  However, there was something that I didn't feel at all by the Eiffel Tower. See below.


Which totally freaked me out during the Ultrasound when I saw it; not so much because I saw it but because I'd never felt it.  Not at all.  I didn't even come for the Eiffel Tower lump, heck I didn't even know there WAS an Eiffel Tower lump... The Ultrasound tech left with my films and me and my lump waited.

They only do diagnostic mammos when doctors are there which is great because after seeing it, it would have been a long wait, wondering.  When the technician  returned after checking with the mammo-doc, she handed me a pink rose, told me it was a cyst, the girls were just swell, and that I could get dressed and go.  


...Blink... Blink

It' took me a minute to absorb this because I'd already gone into hypochondriac hyper-drive, you see and I was basically past the part where I was buying the wig for Chemo.  So I had to wind myself waaaay back down to Earth.  Followed by me wanting to call someone and scream, Yay! but remember - No phone.

 I scooped up all my  excess happy and I decided I'm going to Bloomingdale's! to buy  a celebratory purse which  now strikes me as the Jersey Housewives  equivalent of screaming, I'm Going to Disneyworld! after winning  The World Series.

So here's my public service announcement - If you haven't had Charlotte and her sister scanned in an embarrassing amount of time, how 'bout this?  Make like a Jersey Girl  and go get 'em squished, then hop on over to Bloomingdale's and buy yourself a purse!

It does a body good.


Grampy 2/25/11, 9:53 AM  

Well I am glad the mammogram went well. The same thing happened to my wife. Turned out to be a cyst also. But everyone should get there mammograms.
I loved the way you showed the pictures. It cracked me up. Have a wonderful weekend.

Lindalou 2/25/11, 1:07 PM  

How you take such a serious concern and make it funny and charming all at the same time.

I'm so glad is was just a cyst and not a cheeseburger or Eifel Tower, but this is a great reminder to all of us.

Misguided Mommy 2/25/11, 4:40 PM  

first, what is charlottes sisters name? I mean it just never in a million years occurred to me to name them. And since I overthink EVERYTHING coming up with names is going to take me days. But I just feel like they must have names now.

Second...uh we sooo need a picture of the purse.

Also, yay for nothing super serious

Babes Mami 2/25/11, 7:18 PM  

I love that you were already to buying a chemo wig because I would have been right about there myself lol

icedteaforme 2/26/11, 12:47 AM  

I totally want to see the purse!!

thanks for the reminder, I lapsed mine last fall.....I get these odd sweat gland cyst things and am now officially going to call them quarter pounders when I discuss crack me up, in a good way!

Gina 2/26/11, 8:42 AM  

LOL, love how you presented this subject!! It is a great reminder to get it done. Some time ago I was discussing family med history with the doc and I told her my g-grandma, g-ma, and MOM all had breast cancer in their forties (the first two died in the days before technological wonders). She couldn't believe it and said I should have been getting mammo at least eight years earlier than the earliest age of death of my grandmother (43). I turned 40 in Oct. She filled out an order and told me to get one scheduled. I recently found the order while sorting tax 01/22/10. Yep, over a year ago (sigh).

Very funny!!! (And glad to hear it was a cyst).

Lidian 2/26/11, 12:31 PM  

I'm very glad that Charlotte and sister are fine, and I also want to see the purse (I love purses especially ones with loads of pockets!)

Raven 2/26/11, 4:05 PM  

'It' took me a minute to absorb this because I'd already gone into hypochondriac hyper-drive, you see and I was basically past the part where I was buying the wig for Chemo.'

LMAO- I so would have been doing the same thing! I'm glad the girls are ok.

Pearl 2/26/11, 4:59 PM  

It's great that this has worked out so well! Had a similar situation roughly two months ago and there's nothing like that fear to make a woman get imaginative, is there?!


Lynette 2/27/11, 2:37 PM  

I am so so so happy to hear that the 1/4 pounder was not even there and that the tower is just a lil bother! Yippee for you! You deserve the Jersey Housewife celebration!

Lin 2/27/11, 11:11 PM  

Whew! I was scared there with ya for a bit. Isn't it weird how we go from test to grave in 30 seconds in our minds?? Criminy--I'm always dying--just ask me.

Glad you are okay, my friend. Now, go get checked EVERY year, okaY? And get a pap too while you are at it.

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