The Crazy Suburban Mom: Making the world a more Norsey Place

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Making the world a more Norsey Place

Norse Mythology And Why It Would Make The World Better

The world seems kind of boring to me.  Call me old fashioned, but things like the stock market and innovated space-age quality sleep technology just don't get me riled.  However, I feel I have discovered the perfect way to bring much need oomph to the whole world.  Bring back crazy Norse mythology.  Wouldn't that be cool!?

Don't bother thinking because the answer is yes.

Think for a moment of all the interesting things you would experience with a world full of insane mythology.  For example, flying in an airplane.  If you've never been on a plane, it is basically like sitting in a Motel 8 room for 2 hours.  Oh, and you only have 6 inches of room.  And you have to eat crappy food.  And you could crash and die.  Actually... Planes are just like Motel 8s... Except for the crashing part... That should be there new slogan...


Motel 8: It is like being on a plane except you won't die at 32,000 feet in the air.

Catchy, no?

Back to the point.  Can you imagine being in an airplane and hearing the pilot come over the intercom and saying, "This is your captain speaking.  We are cruising at 35,000 feet from Newark to Seattle and will be arriving at roughly 5:30.  We have clear skies on the horizon, so would all passengers please remember to praise Thor.  Remember that if the plane begins to descend rapidly, it is because we have angered the Gods.  If this is the case, 4 goats and a knife will drop down.  If anyone has any special dietary needs, please tell the flight attendant.  Thank you."  I'm just saying flying would be more interesting if I thought the smoothness of my flight was controlled by a hammer-wielding storm god.


Does Thor also control the crappiness of my in-flight movie?

Yes.


Thor really liked Couples Retreat.

How about this scenario?  A friend wants to know why you couldn't make it to their Arbor Day Bonanza.  Thanks to Norse mythology, you no longer have to make up an excuse involving a 6 rubber gloves, a cardboard box, and a Dodge Dart.

Boy... Haven't we all been in THAT situation.

Instead, you could simply tell your friend that Loki broke into your house and replaced your kitchen sink with a boa constrictor, and you couldn't think of leaving your house with a sink full of dirty dishes.  For, as we all know, that would be ludicrous.  Thank you, Loki.  Your mischievous ways have spared a friendship.
Did you want a friend who throws Arbor Day Bonanzas?


Yes.

Thor also really likes Arbor Day.

Or how about this?  Your on a cruise for vacation.  Your having dinner in the ship's dining hall.  Your looking sharp, sipping wine, eating a suspiciously gay French pastry.  All of the sudden, you see the ship's captain and strike up a conversation.  You discuss art, music, whether or not cummerbunds look good, and how devilishly irritating that damned Kraken is.  Can you figure out which one of the conversation topics could NOT happen without Norse legends?

Kraken: 1
Cummerbunds: 0

Thor really likes cummerbunds.

And now for the ultimate reason to bring back Norse mythology.  VALHALLA!  I want Valhalla!  Never has there been such an epic concept of the after life.  You spend every day beating the crap out of people in with giant hammers until you get killed.  Then what?  You go to an endless buffet!  Mutton as far as the eye can see!  Who wouldn't like existing in this!?

Pacifists, vegetarians, intellectuals, and The People's Commission Against Giant Hammers...


Just to name a few...

So I implore the world to return to the ways of the vikings.  I don't think modern day whackjobs should be running around with large weapons and fur tunics (*cough* Kanye West *cough*), but I would totally dig the mythology.  So what if we have to ignore 50% of modern science!?  Throw caution to the wind, everyone!  Embrace the Norse!  For Valhalla!

Thor is really happy for you and he's gonna let you finish, but he thinks The Citizen's Coalition Against Over-sized Swords is the best group against giant weapons of all time.

Of all time.

Okay, I didn't write that.  That was yesterday's post from The Chair Fort, my kid's blog.  It just cracked me up and I decided to put it up as a guest post because oh.  I dunno he always surprises me and I wanted to surprise him...

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And oh, he clearly he surprises his friend Ryan too...

3 Comments:

Vonlipi 12/9/10, 1:18 PM  

Woa Nelly! I'm glad your kid wrote that, I was getting worried about you.
I was afraid you were being creative with the meds...But we can definitely see where he got is sense of humor from!

Theres just life 12/9/10, 8:37 PM  

The kid has talent and humor. This post cracked me up.
Oh and I blame Loki for the way my house looks. I guess he was tired of causing the earthquakes and just wanted to wreck something smaller.Like my living-room and kitchen.

Lin 12/9/10, 10:15 PM  

I read it there and I read it here! You both have fun blogs to visit. I can see it runs in the family. :) When is Ginger gonna start posting??

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