The Crazy Suburban Mom: I WANT A C-SECTION!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Nineteen years ago I sought out every So you are pregnant  book trying to get a fix on my bloated, hormonal, weepy self. Armed with lots of knowledge about fetal development I stood in the mirror sideways day after day, waiting.  Since nothing of a bulging nature happened for quite some time, I read.  

A lot.

But before you could say hemorrhoids, I was sick of the Disney Princess version of pregnancy.  The talk of natural delivery so sweet it glowed moonbeams and dancing pink sparkly bunnies, the pregnancy good cheer; the chatter about sweet layette gifts and breast feeding and picking out a pregnancy bathing suit, and loving being pregnant...

...And never feeling more beautiful, set me to retching.  And I was pretty much up to my eye-balls in retching already. 

At the time I read about these Cinderella Castle pregnancy moments I couldn't quite decide what made me feel more beautiful;  my pretty new varicose veins working a map of the Mississippi towards my ass or the constant sweating.

I was looking for pregnancy advice; I got strawberry-scented glitter dust.

Nineteen plus years down the road I'm still puzzled by the articles and their singular dimension. Why did only woman with perfect pregnancies talk about bonding...  And breast feeding... And have the scoop on wipe warmers.... Yes, there were token I had the pregnancy from Hell stories, but that's what they were; token. 

As with all things there is no one way or the other, the truth lies somewhere in between Disney and Hell.

  My pregnancy, and birth of my son, involved more technology than an Apollo moon landing and was located more than a hop, skip and a jump from Orlando.  And don't even start in with, women have been having babies for millions of years and then got up and worked the fields.   That really isn't possible for everyone and for those of us that gave birth in the hands of technology instead of a doula; it's just smug.

As an aside here, natural childbirth was never appealing to me but I had no idea how awry things would go. When I announced I was pregnant, people asked if I wanted a boy or a girl, "I want a c-section."  I told them.   Part of my answer was about seeing their expression;  but just partly.  Here's the thing: I was employed in the hospital where I was delivering.   When you're an employee giving birth, everyone from your boss to the cafeteria ladies stop by to cheer you on.

Because of some bizarre decision in  labor and delivery rooms your cervix greets all visitors with a smiling, Hello there!   Maybe that's good if it's your family or your doctor but come on... I knew the next time my co-workers saw me in the cafeteria they'd  be looking at my face but thinking - Grinning girly parts.

They wouldn't want to; it's a hard thing to forget.

See, there was no place for me in those mommy-to-be  articles.  I had a lot of intervention; repeated hospitalizations,  preterm labor, monitors at home, ultrasounds three times a week.  All manner of electronic and pharmacological pregnalia.  

I made it to thirty-six weeks.  He was, and remains to this day, perfect.  Did I bond right away?  No, actually I didn't.  Did I have a C-Section?  Yeah, actually I did, but it wasn't planned; it was more like the cherry on top of the messiest pregnancy Sundae ever.  Pregnancy is just hard for some people.  That doesn't mean you won't bond or don't appreciate the experience;  granted for me, mostly in retrospect.  And it doesn't mean  you won't be a good mother.  You will be a good one, just like the Disney Princesses.

You just might have a few more stretch marks and a bit less glitter.


Shelly 6/23/10, 4:26 PM  

Well said! lol I can relate.

The Mom (aka Amy) 6/23/10, 6:43 PM  

Okay that stuff about giving birth and then going to the field is ultra bullshit. They gave birth and either died or stayed in seclusion until they were "fit" to be around men (ie able to have sex again).

I do not even want to tell you how much I freakin hated being pregnant. I had a birth which incluced the use of an epi and a suction cup and an all natural birth which included me screaming at the top my lungs such gems as: "get this thing out of me! and I want a C-Section, just gas me, I don't care!"

I am with you. I want to shove fairy dust up the ass of anyone who had anything to do with the What to Expect Books and then I will write a book called, 'What to Expect When a Pissed Woman Shoves Something Up Your Ass'.

Babes Mami 6/23/10, 8:02 PM  

Haha... haven't we talked about this before?

The Fitness Diva 6/24/10, 6:24 AM  

This really just made me laugh so hard! And "grinning girly parts"...that's a good one!
I always wonder why they do that do women. In labor or not, do you really want the entire world looking at your gaping pubes? I think nay, but I guess at that particular moment in time you have so many other concerns and issues that you just can't bother to argue that point?

I'm not a Mommy, but right along the same lines, I'd like to smack those people who write books saying that menstruation is a 'glorious time' and 'miraculous biological occurrence' that only women get to experience! Yay! And the commercials that show women on their periods skipping and leaping gleefully through fields of daisies during "those days". I'd like to shoot the producer. That's definitely a Disney version of a period. Also in the Disney version, there's a little smiling frog that brings you your next tampon.... ;)

Anyway, great post! Glad I stopped by!

Chrisbeads 6/24/10, 7:46 AM  

I so know what you mean! My first pregnancy also involved epidurals and prolonged gasping for more pain relief, followed by forceps delivery and a beautiful baby with a slightly elongated head. He grew up to be gorgeous and now has a two year old of his own. During my labour in a teaching hospital, I was asked whether I minded if a whole class of student doctors came and felt the baby's head. Fine I said! On reflection, I could have done without that, but I was slightly off my head on pethidine at the time. My grinning girly bits got poked by way too many people. Not a pretty sight by any means. My advice to pregnant lasses - Say NO to students.

Melissa 6/24/10, 8:27 AM  

I don't understand the fluff pregnancy stories either. I have a friend that loves being pregnant, loves it, and would probably have another. While I love being a mom, being pregnant was not fun for me. Both my labors were absolutely not normal. I did not get varicose veins, or hemorrhoids, well the hemorrhoids came after my daughter was born because I lied and said I had passed gas so I could eat. I was starving on broth and jello. Trust me it is not a good idea to say you have passed gas if you in fact have not. The not so yummy dinner is not worth the hassle, or the hemorrhoid.

~Shelley~ 6/24/10, 10:01 AM  

I can SO relate. I had 4 horrible pregnancies. While I loved feeling the baby move (my favorite part), that was the only thing that kept me sane. With my first two daughters, the morning sickness lasted for over 5 months, and by the time that was done, I missed out on the 'glorious' second trimester when you feel great. I was already HUGE, having gained 60 pounds with each of them, and miserable. My 3rd pregnancy, I had a partial molar pregnancy, and lost the baby at 4.5 months. The WORST morning sickness was truly unbelievable. My body thought I was having twins, but I had a baby on one side and a cluster of cysts on the other. The doc had no idea what was going on at first. He said partial molar preg. is quite rare. Then on to my 4th pregnancy with my son. I think I had every pregnancy side effect known to mankind. They also told me that there was a big possibility of him having Downs (which meant tons of sonograms and tons of dr. appts), but I refused an amnio, so I waited til he was born (p.s. I would not have terminated, hence the refusal of the amnio). Ohhh...25 hours of hard labor, varicose veins, hemorroids, peeing the bed at night, post partum depression...I had it all.

Where are the books that explain, in detail, of those little goodies :) And where's the book that explains that sometimes, all of your female organs can 'fall' and now you need a hysterectomy at the age of 40?? And that you can develop pregnancy-induced Hypothyroidism and now have half the head of hair that you used to have? I wish I could have read books like that! I still would have had my kids...but it would have been nice to know what to expect :)

Petula 6/24/10, 12:33 PM  

My pregnancy experiences 19 years ago was so much different than the ones I had three, five and six years ago. I would have like a little more fairy dust and glitter, but you know pain, anger and flared sciatic nerves work too.

Momstart 6/24/10, 3:32 PM  

Oh man, I hated being pregnant both times. I was always tired and going out of my mind. Delivery of my first was a breeze only because she came out so darn fast. I barely made it to the hospital. Second child, he wasn't in a hurry and after the epidural all hell broke lose. Lost his heart rate, they took the epidural out, got his heart rate back and I pushed him out in the OR. It was the scariest thing I've ever been throug and I do not want to do it again.

natalee 6/24/10, 7:49 PM  

LOVE THIS..PS you know i was sweatin your banner about the shore.... LOL!!! Your fellow jersey girl!!!!

Lin 6/24/10, 7:53 PM  

I'm with you--I'm still waiting for the princess version of my pregnancies.

I hated being pregnant. I wasn't "glowing", I was freaking uncomfortable with my body doing things I didn't like or approve of. It was just weird. My favorite part was delivery--get that kid out of ME!

I never got the big bonding issue either. I had a kid, I took care of him, and we liked it. Or not. I didn't have a choice at that point. My mom kept making a fuss and whispering behind my back to all the relatives that we didn't "bond" and I want to kill her STILL for that.

I'm so glad I'm done with that part of my life. I like 'em better when they are growing up.

jellybelly 6/24/10, 10:36 PM  

well i had no problem with pregnancy even if i had a c-section but i did not bond immediately with my baby. i can't understand how some mothers say they're already bonding while they were pregnant. it took me a looooong time to bond, like maybe 8 months or so. i was starting to think i'm a bad mom compared to some that i read about. we're really tight now though. it does come in time :)

Anjanette aka. MommaYoung 6/25/10, 3:02 PM  

Love this post. I'm on baby number 5, she'll be her in September, and I have never been that glowing cutzy Momma. Would have loved it, but was never me.

thanks for sharing..

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