The Crazy Suburban Mom: Peri-mommypausal blogging

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Peri-mommypausal blogging

A note to my kid who reads my blog.  This is about my trip to the gynecologist and do you really want to go there?

Last night I had the long overdue - as in years overdue, overdue - IS IT HOT IN HERE TO YOU G.Y.N appointment.  And other than the fact that it started with a thin nurse cheerfully saying, Okie-dokie how's about we hop up on the scale, it went well. 

The exam was the same paper dress and stirrups affair as always. Unfortunately in the last three years they hadn't figured a way to do a pap smear with an, I dunno Star Trek transporter from across the room as I'd hoped, so my doctor got out the old salad tongs and had at me.


I waited too long, I know.  And I only called  for the appointment in the first place 'cause, OMG! My period's never, ever stopping and HELP, I'm bleeding to death I tell ya! I was kind of distraught on the phone 'cause mine don't ever last a week so when day six came with no signs of letting up I went all big baby on myself and called for an appointment.

They were decidedly unimpressed with my it's gallons I tell ya blood loss, "Phffft", the receptionist said and I all but heard the dismissive hand wave... and she gave me an appointment a week later. 

But I did stop (at day 9) so the appointment was uneventful except the scale part and what's up with it always being a thin nurse manning the scale and cheerfully telling me to hop up anyway?  Is it a requirement of the weighing job or just a sadistic twist of fate?  Anyway.

Since there was nothing really going on it was a normal exam; no extra gynecological magic, scraping implements or super-scary procedures required.

Than I got dressed and went to his office for my perimeno conflab.  I heard screaming in the next room, which always makes me nervous at a medical office. 

He came in and told me the lady next door just found out she was having twins. And okay, glad I wasn't getting that news.  But still...  Had kind of a 'heavy sigh' moment when I realized  he'd just told her she was going to have twins and I was going to have bloating, gas and bouts of diarrhea.

In fact, not only that attractive trifecta  but...

   Changes in the menstrual cycle
   Heart palpitation
   Hot flashes and night sweats
   Lumpy and tender breasts
   Reduced sex drive
   Unexplained weight gain
   Urinary incontinence
   Vaginal dryness
   Water Retention, Bloating
   Depression, irritability
   Difficulty concentrating
   Stress and Fatigue
   Mood swings

In fairness, he didn't tell me all that and frankly if given the choice between all that mess and twins, I'd take the twins.  That's stuff I googled before the appointment.  Googling perimenopause was about as helpful as looking up the really bad side effects of a drug before I take it.  In other words, a bad idea.

He drew me a hormone chart to show me what happened with my OMG I'm bleeding to death but not really period. About the way the my hormones were.  The way they are. It was sort of like two bell curves that dipped in the middle.  I think.  I was more listening than watching.  He told me to let him know if I was uncomfortable with anything I was experiencing; that there was help.

The kicker is, I'm not uncomfortable.  In fact...  I actually feel pretty darned good.

See, he also mentioned that in some woman the change you have in your sex drive is not a decrease.  And guys, I'm not going to go there in case my kid didn't listen to my suggestion he not read on... but I can tell you for a fact, this is true.  And Yipee!

And to my kid, if you're reading this, I totally know you are saying, ew.  Hey,  I told you not to go here.   You should have listened. 


Mary 5/13/10, 9:44 AM  

Wow, after reading all those symptoms I'm sitting here like ummm wow, yea that's totally me. I'm 30 and I think I'm alil young but wow, I've got just about every single symptom. Hmmm...

mama-face 5/13/10, 9:50 AM  

The worst so far for me (cuz I do love to make all about me) is the inexplicable weight gain. Once you reach the menopausal age even just walking past a cookie will cause you to put on an extra 5 lbs.

And trust me...I AM in that age bracket.

The woman screaming? LOL.

Vintage Christine 5/13/10, 9:51 AM  

Well, if your kid is going ewww now, he'll be happy to know that once his Mom goes through menopause, that's about it for creepy Mom and Dad sex. Mom will lose her sex drive completely! And she will stop running the a/c constantly and will be much much much less moody. Dad, of course, will have exploded since that's what men always say they're going to do if they don't have sex every day. PS--don't believe them, my husband is still around. Completely frustrated, but still here. Hope springs eternal and all that.

@eloh 5/13/10, 10:26 AM  

Compared to this... my time in that "state" wasn't too bad.

I really would have liked to have had a picture of my face when my menopause appointment ended... the part when they told me I was pregnant.

I don't recall what I said... but they ran out of the room and about six people came back with them... I must have said something naughty.

Vonlipi 5/13/10, 10:43 AM  

I HATE going to the GYNO! EEEEWWWW! The salad thongs give me the willies!

20 years ago I had a lot of feminine problems and probably had around 44 exams in 2 years....

I'm overdue now too :(

Maureen 5/13/10, 12:04 PM  

Oh God! I feel for you. I'm the type that is hot all the time - always have been - now with these hot flashes..... On the bright side, at least I don't break out in a sweat.

The Crazy Suburban Mom 5/13/10, 2:05 PM  

Sigh. I guess we are all in the same boat... Except eloh...who was in the same boat and pregnant. OMG, you are kidding me????

Sheila Sultani 5/13/10, 4:50 PM  

This is so funny. I think you tapped into the mind-set of every single woman who ever had to go "there" - I haven't been in years and have started having a few of those omg I'm bleeding to death thingies too. As far as all the symptoms of perimenopause - I've had them for years maybe once I start going through it they'll cancel each other out.

J Sedai 5/13/10, 5:56 PM  

I won't be in the same boat as you ladies for several years yet ( not bragging, just saying) but, I remember reading somewhere that the younger you were when your "aunt" started visiting, the older you'd be when she finally stopped calling. and all I have to say about that is, it's NOT FAIR! also, going to the gyno has never bothered me (cept for the first one, but that Dr looked like Barbie, and that's just mean!)

Evil Twin's Wife 5/13/10, 9:03 PM  

I am 42 and definitely in "the bracket". I pray for a partial hysterectomy every day. LOL.

Ruth 5/14/10, 12:59 AM  

I've had half a dozen of the symptoms you listed most of my life--OMG it's going to get WORSE???

Sex? What's that? Haven't had anyone to canoodle with for a few years now.

I'm another one who's overdue for an appointment--let's just say, it's the big 4-0 next week and last time I was at the doctor she said that's the age they start squishing your girlies. NOT looking forward to that, after nursing two kids they're stretched out enough already! I'll be like Grandma Klump with her titties on the ground...

If men had to have their privates stuck in a vise like that there would be billions being spent on research trying to figure out another way to do it, no doubt about it.

Janiss 5/14/10, 1:05 AM  

You know, it's also possible that you will have NONE or almost none of those symptoms mentioned. When my mother went through peri-into-menopause, she barely noticed. I seem to be on the same path. Except for the fibroids. I'm assuming your gyn checked you out for that. I had the most gawdawful periods and actually became severely anemic from them. It turned out that I had fibroids. But I had an embolization (did NOT want major surgery) and since then everything's been cool.

Lynette 5/14/10, 6:49 AM  

the sex is getting better and better all the girlfriend I am telling you....whoo hoooo hop in that saddle again.

lol now i am going to email you your blog as it came to me. cause you should not have the image i saw. lol you will get it when you see the email
and dont laugh too hard!

Lynette 5/14/10, 8:31 AM  

one just for you tracy

Lin 5/14/10, 10:54 PM  

Menopause is freaking with me this year. I know it is that because I'm getting hot flashes in between the GERD and the not being able to sit down crap. My body is just some alien being these days. Yeah, it's a freaking joy to be a middle-aged woman.

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