The Crazy Suburban Mom: Boomeranging back to me

Friday, January 29, 2010

Boomeranging back to me

Losing weight is an odd, disorienting thing. And I'm quite sure that is exactly why I've failed so many times in the past. When you're fat you go on with your life unexamined. People don't see you. It's easy to live, really.

I go here; go there... No matter how many people I see everyday, they don't see me.

And I'm good with that.

After losing some weight that all changes. It's like being assaulted by eye contact.

And smiles.

I know that sounds weird. And it's not that eye contact and smiles are bad things... Because they aren't but for someone used to not having them... To all of a sudden get them? Well. It's down right bizarre.

The thing that brought this all up was this picture.

boomerang server

In a lot of ways this picture could be better.

It's not sitting on the best base, the seaming on that suitcase is distracting, and so are the angles made by chair rail I painted on the wall. I got this in a salvation army thrift shop. I guess it's a 1960's three tiered chromed serving tray. I loved it right away. It cost me $4. It reminded me of an ash try my mother had. I started taking pictures of it yesterday for Colorado Lady's Vintage Thingies Thursday and than saw the light behind it. Suddenly the picture became about the light behind it and not the thing.

I never used the image for Vintage Thingies Thursday. I couldn't figure out what was disturbing me about the whole thing; but I was disturbed.

And couldn't take my eyes off it.

boomerang server2

This morning when I was putting on one of the two pairs of pants I have left (that fit) I realized what it is. It's about looking at something you assume is one thing and seeing it in an entirely different way. Like I've been seeing myself. I took a picture of a thrift store find and found it was the light behind it that captured my attention.

I went on a diet to lose something and found I had gained more than I had lost. And it hit me this morning. Like the ton of bricks I lost.

boomeraning


I wish I could say I was done. Done losing. And done with my issues but I'm not. I'm not even sure that writing this (and posting that picture) won't send me back up the scale but I'm going to be brave and just face it.


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10 Comments:

Vonlipi 1/29/10, 9:46 AM  

I'm glad you posted, I was beginning to worry! I did a terrific Henry post...and you didn't visit :( and we missed you at VTT.

I'm glad you posted an autoportrait. I so agree with you about the weight. We hide behind it and it feels easier than dealing with the alternative.

The Crazy Suburban Mom 1/29/10, 9:52 AM  

I know, I'm sorry ... I haven't been around very much this week. I've had an awful head cold. Not so bad that I've had to go to the doctor but bad enough that I've been just horribly uncomfortable. My son's been home a few days this week too. He got a bad burn on his hand at the shop so I've been mommy-doctoring him... Today, tomorrow and Monday we have to pick up all his things because it's the end of his apprenticeship - So it's been a busy week on top of everything - I've got to catch up with everything but I'm going to go check out your blog (with henry) right now :)

Maureen 1/29/10, 11:54 AM  

I really need to digest your comments about weight but I would like to say that you look great.

About the serving tray. While you feel the suitcase and chair rail are distracting, I am preoccupied with with the 'boomerang' (or the 'halo' in my eyes). Perception is an interesting thing.

@eloh 1/29/10, 12:34 PM  

I know exactly what you are talking about... but don't let the weight sneak back up on you.

Walking into a gas station once, when inside my daughter said : wow mom, you really gave that guy that opened the door for you a dirty look".

I didn't know I had... I just was curious why and that became the perceived "dirty look".

I had spent so many years heavy, then lost down to a size 6 (and 6 foot tall) rather quickly...

I got injured and had not realized how my activity level had dramatically increased... so while inactive... I continued to eat the same.

and...here I am.

Lin 1/29/10, 12:37 PM  

Weight is a life issue--and I hate that. My family is overweight (both sides) and all we ever talked about was food. I struggle with whatever my weight is ALL of the time--I focus on that number too much. If I'm too heavy, I am sad. If I'm at a good weight, I want just a little more off. If I'm at my high school weight, I'm not eating and I'm crabby. It's weight, weight, weight all the time and I hate that.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I get on the scale every freaking day of my life. Why? I don't know.

We need to be a little easier on ourselves and just try to be a healthy weight. Hang in there. You aren't alone in the madness.

ladyjanewriter 1/29/10, 3:53 PM  

I'd say give yourself permission to wear oversized clothing for a bit. It's really difficult to get used to all those eyes. Fat is about being invisible, sometimes.

Da Dude 1/29/10, 10:47 PM  

I hate dieting! I dieted my weight up to 300 pounds from 250. I'll never diet again.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit 1/29/10, 11:48 PM  

What a thought-provoking post. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

You know, I quite like the seam and the odd angle of the wall in that photo. It's a really good picture, albeit not quite the picture you'd intended to take! :)

@eloh 1/30/10, 2:50 AM  

This is still on my mind, I'm sure that I figured out what I needed to do if ever there was a next time (to be thin)..my mind is just still to fried to think. Maybe it will pop out while I sleep.

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