The Crazy Suburban Mom: Stuff I bet you never knew about me..

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stuff I bet you never knew about me..

1. The first funny thing I ever wrote was unintentional. I was in 6th grade and we had an assignment, "Write what book you want to be and why?" The best one's to be compiled together and placed on everyone's desk as an example of "What our class does everyday!" for back to school night.

So pretty much, the teacher would leave the cream of this literary crop sitting around for everyone's parents to see.

Being an anxious kid, I could think of nothing... well, except my imminent ZERO and hearing about it later from my parents.

Everyone was busy with, "I would be Pippy Longstocking," or "I am Harriet the Spy" or "My favorite book is A Wrinkle in Time" (which by the way, I loved and had I not been in the throws of a panic attack - you can think of nothing besides remaining conscious while hyperventilating - I would totally have been A Wrinkle in Time).

Time was coming to a close and I fell back on my stand-by (Well, I guess to be fair, it wasn't yet a stand-by) sarcasm. I went on and on, ad nauseum, about how I would be a textbook and I would be THE hardest textbook in the world, and there would be so much homework that everyone would hate me. (Despise me, actually.)

And I was pretty much off to the races on my rant about the world's hatred of me until the teacher called time and pulled the paper from my hands.

My, "I would be the world's hardest textbook; despised by all", got picked as one of the literary elite for back to school night, because as my teacher put it, "That was so original and very, very funny, Tracy! Well done!". And really, it was kind of shocking to me.

As it was to my parents, who didn't find vehement sarcasm in a twelve-year-old amusing at all.

Which most likely explains why I kept it up.

2. I worked at Fotomat - Do you remember those booths in the middle of parking lots? Where you drove up and dropped off film? Well, not you but...Anyway.... Yep, that was me.

Surprising and little know facts about working at Fotomat - Our job title was Fotomate; a huge self-esteem killer in itself.

We also made a minimum wage salary, our yellow and blue uniforms matched the Fotomat booths... Where we worked alone... In the middle of parking lots (and by the way there was no bathroom in the booth and I'm not EVEN done yet...) We got crazy amounts of obscene phone calls and flashers drove up to the booths to show us their... shortcomings.

3. No car, Day 8 million (sorry, it just feels that way), make that 18. How can I be a mom in a minivan, without a minivan? And I totally miss my van. It was beyond perfect for estate sales and for driving elderly relatives who don't drive every where.

As a fun aside because I love driving my kid crazy, I keep telling him I'm going to get a Pink Vespa. He's mortified I'll be driving around on a Hello Kitty motorcycle and identify myself as his mother.


Which I totally would.

4. I'm not a picky eater but one thing I will never eat is pumpkin. Fourscore and a jillion years ago I went to someones house on Thanksgiving where they served me the most heinous mess (not mass, this was a mess) of clove-scented mucilage sitting - No jiggling.... Nay! It was undulating sinisterly atop a crust more horribly than you could imagine.

No really, you can't. No one can.

Anyway, to be nice and good and to not make a fuss 'cause that's what girls do, right? I ate it. It cost me, dearly. But I got that wretched thing down.

And I swear I heard it laugh...

My empty plate overjoyed the pumpkin pushers and only served to further fuel their evil pumpkin pushing frenzy, Oh look Herb, she ate the whole thing get her another slice, and with that they heaped another piece of Hell in front of me. I ate that monster too because I was pretty sure that thing had killed me, already.

But never, never again. (I'm doing a fist pump towards heaven, as I write this).

Try to look on this, not so much as a traumatic pumpkin moment, but as a cautionary tale...Because if this isn't reason enough to teach you're daughter's to say 'No.' when they don't want something?

Or better yet, "HAY-ELL, NO!" I don't know what is...

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50s Housewife 10/8/09, 8:38 PM  

"Our job title was Fotomate"

Oh my, you poor thing! I'm laughing and feeling sorry for you at the same time. :)

blueviolet 10/8/09, 9:30 PM  

I totally forgot about those little photo booths. I can't believe you worked in one!

Vonlipi 10/8/09, 10:16 PM  

Ok,ok stop now I,m peeing in my pants again! You just make me laugh too hard. Crazy Suburban Photomate, I can just picture you looking so sad and lonely in that booth...

What do you plan to do about the car situation?

chicamom85 10/8/09, 10:41 PM  

That is funny. I always wondered what it would be like working in one of those fotamat booths. I would have hated the no bathroom thing. The flashers might have made it interesting though lol.

Toronto Yardsaler 10/8/09, 10:44 PM  

Crazy story about the Fotomat. I think I remember seeing them when we went on family trips to Myrtle Beach. When I was 17, I worked as a telemarketer in this sketchy part of Toronto. I worked late night shifts. We sat in rows like slaves on a ship while this sleaze bucket manager walked up and down barking at us to get more "P-Vals" which was short for phone validate. Needless to say, everyone in my entire family ended up with a Sears credit card. I did call a man whose name was Phuc. I didn't know what to call him. In a panic, I said, "Is this Mr. Phuc?" He didn't speak English. I said "Phuc, do you have a Sears card?" My toes curl just thinking back.
Thanks for sharing the great stories.

Toronto Yardsaler 10/8/09, 10:47 PM  

Nope. I think demeaning jobs are international. I couldn't imagine having a daughter and subjecting her to this horrific boot camp character building all for the sake of minimum wage.

Sarah 10/8/09, 11:42 PM  

Crazy, funny, and entertaining stories... love it! Thanks for making me laugh!!! God's blessings on your weekend, Sarah :D

Roslyn 10/8/09, 11:43 PM  

Me too, I despise pumpkin bread [zuchinni bread too] pumpkin cookies, pumpkin bagels & pumpkin pie, yucky!
But I love butternut squash!

janice | Sharing the Journey 10/9/09, 8:19 AM  

This made me smile! I'm about to go off and do some housework now, but I don't know which images will linger longer, the pumpkin gagging or the flashers driving by, waving their not-so-photogenic bits! I've never visited before so forgive me if this seems disloyal to your minivan, but I'd love that Vespa!

Melissa B 10/9/09, 9:43 AM  

Great site! Did you get out your collection of postcards? Anything rare or just unusual? Or beautiful? My Quimper postcards all came from eBay, and I have more of them framed in my dining room that show costumes similar to the ones on my Quimper faience!

Mary 10/9/09, 10:12 AM  


That cracked me up! :)

Anonymous,  10/9/09, 10:15 AM  

You are sooooooooooo funny.

No that you say it, it makes total sense that perverts would have used the Fotomat drive-through to flash teenagers. :shudder: They're probably doing it at the McD's drive-thrus now.

What a gift you have, Trace -- you can make ANYTHING funny!!!!

The Crazy Suburban Mom 10/9/09, 10:37 AM  

I totally want that Vespa, by the way...I've been threatening my kid with that for's just that now..with no car and all...Well, you know.

And yeah on Fotomat - that was me although really, besides the lack of a bathroom, minimum wage and the pervs I really liked the job. I always liked that I worked alone. No one hanging over me and all.

Teresha@Marlie and Me 10/9/09, 2:55 PM  

came over from MomDot to check out how crazy you are and, yeah, you're certifiable. woot woot! I love crazy! There is a town in Fla that still has one of those Fotomat thingies. If I remember the name, I'll post it.

Lidian 10/9/09, 7:20 PM  

Tracy - I wish I'd known you when we were kids, because I wrote that kind of thing too (not as funny as yours, and no, not telling what I wrote, but I got in trouble for my little creative burp..)

I love the pink Vespa and totally think you should get one!

Hope you have a terrific weekend :)

NathanRising 10/9/09, 9:32 PM  

Your blog is great!
I now have the urge to threaten my husband with the pink Vespa. Maybe that will make him pick his socks up off the floor. I'll be like, honey if you don't pick your socks up off the floor, I'm going to get a pink Vespa... and his face will blanch because he knows I would really do it. All the laundry in the house will be washed, folded and put away!

Elizabeth G. 10/10/09, 1:17 AM  

Okay, you are really funny. j And so polite to actually swallow that horrible excuse for a pumpkin pie. But I have to admit that there was a time in my life that I could have eaten it too.

I love your header and that funny saying you changed around to fit your minivan! haha.

God bless!

RainGardener 10/10/09, 2:03 PM  

Your writing is hilarious. I'd best be marking you so I can get a giggle more often.
Thanks so much for stopping by on VTT. I ended up having to leave and didn't get back to comment in return as I like to do.
I think I remember those booths. I worked a job in Fairbanks, Alaska that was kind of a make shift building until they got their fancy one built and it had no bathroom. Of course my boss said he'd take me - ya right and I was gonna ask wasn't I? Fortunately I had a cast iron bladder back then and could hold for days if I had to. LOL

Charlotte 10/10/09, 5:18 PM  

I am so with you on the pumpkin!!! GAg!!!

JUST ME, THE MOM 10/12/09, 2:04 AM  

I SOOOO remember Fotomat and the Fotomates and the cute sexy and bright little outfits. How did they ever get anyone to staff those places? Although looking back my uniform from McDonalds from high school wasn't to attractive either ;O)


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