The Crazy Suburban Mom: I got a couple of slippery slopes for you...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I got a couple of slippery slopes for you...


        Today I have a post on The New Jersey Moms Blog  (part of Silicon Valley Mom Blogs) and it's making me feel very giddy, kind of like the really cool kids just let me sit with them at the lunch table - not that I have any idea what that feels like, I'm just assuming this is what it feels like and it's way exciting!

Clicking the NJ Moms Blog link will whisk you away on a *poof* of glittery internet magic to the Cool Kid's Lunch Table - I mean NJ Mom Blogs,  where you can read my post,  The Slippery Slope of Mt. What's in This Stuff... At least I think that's what I called it. When I start thinking about my kid's picky eating my mind goes blank and than add all this lunch table stuff and I actually can't remember what I said, but it's close to That Slippery Slope thing I wrote up there...

For anyone who's staying here or who's come here from NJ Moms Blogs I have another slippery slope for you and you don't have to click or move or anything.  I wrote The Ghost of Granny Panties Past, and   posted it back in May but I think like three people were reading my blog back then, so it should be all good.

It's about how we used to get dolled up to go
out and how we leave the house now.

The Ghost of Granny Panties Past

     I drove my son to a friend's house last Saturday and because I was hassled and, it was early I grabbed the keys, stepped into my crocs (okay, imitation crocs), and ran out the door in my pajamas.

     Besides my CVS crocs, I was wearing midnight blue shooting-star pajama pants and an inside-out mustard yellow Cape May nightshirt. On the way out I checked in with a mirror and decided I was presentable for the circumstance because:

a. I wasn’t getting out of the car.
b. The trip would take less than 15 minutes.
c. The night shirt looked like a T-shirt (albeit an inside-out T-shirt) and the chances of someone seeing my shooting star pajama bottoms were practically nil.

     The ride started uneventfully. I listened to talk radio; the boy, his iPod. Someone on the radio was complaining. The sun was in my eyes. People were trying to pass me so they could get to the red light up ahead a few seconds faster than me.

     My normal day came took an ugly turn when I looked in my rear view mirror; that’s when it happened. Instead of seeing the cars behind me; I saw Grandma. But not the Grandma with her perfect nails and immaculate attire; Grandma, the day she opened the door to her apartment in her underwear holding an enema bag.

     I was 18 years old and had my driver's license. Grandma always had maple walnut ice cream and my mother didn’t, so Grandma's was a good place to go after school. I knocked like always anticipating me some cold mapley goodness, instead Grandma and her enema bag opened the door and said, "Oh, Tracy. Good. You can help me with something."

I (stunned to near unconscious) just wanted to rewind my life to a week ago last Friday," No. Uhhhhhhh, that’s okay, you look,"--Just pause a minute from the story and believe me when I tell you I was struggling for a word here--  "...busy?"

     Try to understand my horror at this point (Although, unless you've actually seen granny panties with you're actual Granny inside them, it's probably pointless but whatever....Do you're best with this.) I had never seen my Grandma in her underwear before, a fact I was way good with. Things she said to me over the years came to me in a gross misfortune of memory. Stomach ache? You need a good physic... (Physic was Grandma's word for laxative.) Headache. Physic. Confused? Get yourself a Physic. " Got to move those bowels", she would say.

     Between the physic thing, and the enema thing and the grandma standing in her open doorway practically naked thing, I was on overload and started backing away from the door.  Grandma and her bag laughed at me, "Don’t be silly, come in."  And with that Grandma walked into her kitchen, which was right inside the front door, where she resumed defrosting her freezer.

With the enema bag.

     I never forgot the day she answered the door in her Granny Panties and I've thought about it a lot since it happened. I didn’t want to; it’s just a visual you can’t forget no matter how hard you try.

     And there she was the other day, in my rear view mirror, smiling, nodding, pointing to the enema bag. My first thought was, but I have a frost-free freezer. And than I realized she had come to save me from going farther down that slippery slope she herself had gone down all those years before.

     How is it that one day going out without mascara is unthinkable? And the next day (or next week, or year…They all sort of run together) the only mascara you have on is what’s left under your eyes from the night before?  How does acceptable public attire go from looking hot, to looking presentable, to - Oh well, at least I'm clean... And finally - Well, no one is going to see my shooting star pajama pants anyway.

     And believe me, when going out in your shooting star pajamas becomes okay? You are so far down the slope already you need divine intervention from The Ghost of Granny Panties Past.

I just showed you the next step. And it’s not pretty.  I’ve seen it.


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Elizabeth 10/13/09, 8:46 AM  

That was hilarious. I totally know what you mean about the slippery slope of acceptable public appearance when you're a mom. My kiddo is 20 months old and doesn't really tolerate spending time in the bathroom, so my primping time has shrunk to pretty much none since he's all of a sudden decided to have opinions! Thanks for the laugh this morning, and thanks for visiting my site, too!

Mary 10/13/09, 8:57 AM  

You know, that has always been one of my pet peeves. Why can't people just put on clothes when leaving the house? It doesn't have to be fancy, jeans are fine. But clothes and shoes are sooo necessary. And it annoys me when I see people in public wearing pajama pants and flip flops. (Yes, I know it's judgemental and unreasonable. But aren't ALL pet peeves judgemental and unreasonable? lol.)

Right before my daughter was born, the doctor told me to bring PJ pants to the hospital. I had never owned PJ pants and had to buy some. Or even sweat pants. I had a couple pairs of wind pants for working out in (and never wore them anywhere except to the gym). I have never worn sweatpants or workout pants into public. Or even tennis shoes.

I mean, I'm not a saint. I don't necessarily dress up (okay, I pretty much only dress up for church), but I wear jeans/pants and boots. I always wear mascara too. (Not because it bothers me when people don't wear mascara but because my eyes look squinty without it and when you have chubby cheeks you should really try to avoid squinty eyes.)

Anyway, my whole point is that if you look decent and pulled together, then you will act that way. Even when I'm just staying home, I still take a shower and get dressed because the only way I can accomplish anything is to look the part. lol.

Great post - I love it!

Hugs and kisses,

Lynette 10/13/09, 8:58 AM  

oh dang i have lost it then i run around in my work out outfits all day long
have not worn makeup in forever
and let's not get into the fact i hate to wear a bra...but i do heck i am in a workout outfit ya know

mama-face 10/13/09, 9:25 AM  

There are sunglasses to cover the day before makeup as you drive in your pj's. Once I drove my daughter to school during a snowstorm (in my pj's of course)-not even a coat-and I almost became stuck in the snow. My only concern was someone coming to help me and seeing me without a bra. ETC. Luckily I had my 4-wheel drive.

The grandma story; LOLOLOLOL. (could you maybe write a post explaining how you defrost a freezer with an enema bag? Is it obvious and i'm just too clueless?)

The Crazy Suburban Mom 10/13/09, 9:32 AM  

Elizabeth, I hear you...

Mary, you're totally right and what I aspire too... and you'll never be getting a visit from my grandma in her under pants!

Lynette, yeah bras, right? ow

mama-face - Ohhhh, see she filled the bag with hot water and wasnt wearing clothes because they would get wet, right?

And the freezer wasnt frostless so it had this ice build up in she squirted the hot water out the enema bag nozzle into the iced up freezer (grossest thing ever, right?) to melt the caked up ice...

Horrific afternoon. Seriously. Ruined everything for me, including the fact that I could no longer eat maple walnut ice cream from a freezer that was being deiced by an enema bag 10/13/09, 9:50 AM  

What!? I've done it, and I'll do it again too! LOL

The thing is.. the older you get the less you give a rat's ass what people think of you.

I call it progress! LOL

Nichay 10/13/09, 11:34 AM  

I must have been one of the three followers you had then. Haha...I love this story though. It makes me want to go change out of my pjs and put some makeup on....ah, maybe tomorrow I will. :)

Lidian 10/13/09, 3:11 PM  

Oh, you ought to see me in my really old, horrible black Crocs (which I love) and retro hole-ridden T shirt (circa 1970, advertising a trunk rental place, which I also love)and terrible old jeans! My mother would be so,so horrified and wonder what she did wrong.

I have almost the exact same pajama pants except that the stars are, um, non-shooting :)

Maureen 10/13/09, 3:27 PM  

That was hysterical! Until I remembered that I am on that damn slope! How the hell did that happen?

FranticMommy 10/13/09, 6:01 PM  

The Gramma in Gramma pannies reminds of the old joke where Grandpa shouts at Gramma to "iron her nightgown". She shouts back "I ain't wearin one".....
The visual makes me cringe and even spit up in mouth a little. Thanks for sharin. Great post! Thansk for stopping by my blog today too :)

@eloh 10/13/09, 7:30 PM  

Still funny...have I been with you "that" long?

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