The Crazy Suburban Mom: Breathing treatments

Friday, June 12, 2009

Breathing treatments

Being a hypochondriac I develop every disease featured on medical shows, but that's not why I don't watch them. And while the current fascination with actors sticking their hands inside pseudo-cadavers in realistic autopsy scenes makes me bring up breakfast, that's not it either.

I worked in hospitals for a long time. Looking at doctors, patients and bedpans? For me that's overtime, not Gee let's sit around with a bowl of popcorn and watch this guy bleed out an orifice.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only one holding the remote during the day lately. Remember, there's been recent knee surgery in my house.

I still have the Ow, Ow, it hurts shut it off, it's too high Machine around...

And the beer cooler with pump

And Lord, help me...

This thing.

I also have the company of someone with nothing to do for whom the thrill of daytime TV has not yet worn off.

So yesterday, being the tolerant person that I am, when The Doctors came on?

I didn't scream CHANGE THE FREAKING CHANNEL ( a perfectly rational reaction), I just did my best to ignore the medicalosity. Staring at my computer screen worked pretty well and the medical banter was reduced, for the most part, to a thudding din.

The Bra Breakdown segment did get my attention because you gotta keep the girls above your knees (theoretically). But when I turned and looked at the TV there was no doctor, no woman, no audience. Just four enormous breasts. Sort of a before and after thing. There were two enormous breasts on the left side of my screen wearing the evil improper bra; and two enormous breasts on the the right side with the new perky professionally fitted one.

Why would any rational woman want her magnified boobage on millions of TV screens?

I shook it off and went back to the computer.

More chatting...Something else... Good natured laughing... A commercial...And than they moved to the Going Commando segment which I naturally thought was a segment about effective parenting. But as I said, I really wasn't paying attention and I'm kinda slow.

I didn't hear the question; but I heard the answer.

"I think going commando is great because the vagina has to breathe!” Dr. Lisa says. “It absolutely has to breathe."

From somewhere outside my web surfing mode I heard that and thought, And just what does that have to do with effective parenting, anyway.

Like I said, kinda slow.

I'm not a prude, really I'm not, but why?

Why on so many levels...

At this point I did yell something along the lines of change the freaking channel, although not that genteel, because I didn't want to see their next split screen close up.

I just didn't.

The one I had just seen? Four giant breasts the size of the Sta-Puff marshmallow man from Ghost-busters had already reaffirmed my decision not to get HDTV.

But this next one? The breathing vagina vs. non-breathing vagina visual?


See. As far as the breathing thing goes? I spent most of my time in hospitals working as a respiratory therapist. Breathing was my thing. Couldn't breathe? Call me. I must have given a gajillion breathing treatments to people who couldn't breathe.

And in all that time? Not once did I get a call that was even remotely like:

Tracy, could you come to room 314 and give a breathing treatment to Mrs. Calhoon? She's having trouble breathing. Yeah, uh-huh, still refusing to go commando.

I mean, where would I put the mouth piece?


Kathy B! 6/12/09, 8:50 AM  

This is why we blog rather than watch this stuff! You need some ear plugs :)

kiddiescorner 6/12/09, 8:57 AM  

Four giant breasts the size of the Sta-Puff marshmallow man from Ghost-busters LMAO!!

Six Feet Under Blog 6/12/09, 10:09 AM  

TV can be a very bad thing-lol!

beth 6/12/09, 11:37 AM  

hahahahaha! so funny!

chicamom85 6/12/09, 1:11 PM  

Too funny, great post.


@eloh 6/12/09, 3:17 PM  

I don't even know what I should or shouldn't admit to 'bout I just say..this made me laugh so hard I was glad I wasn't going commando.

Chickenista 6/12/09, 3:31 PM  

Thats is too funny and so true! I love the DR's but sometimes you have to wonder.

Christa 6/12/09, 4:08 PM  

Oh and lets not forget the jitters that a breathing treatment causes...that could be

icedteaforme 6/12/09, 4:50 PM  

laughing out loud here about to wake the sleeping boy, ugh

My mom watches that show, and gives the advice she learns all too freely.....I mean she thinks it is gospel, hello tv, made for commercial revenue, not to save the world from too much laundry!


Christina 6/12/09, 7:47 PM  

LOL! I love this post.... and I've seen that episode of The Doctors!

Debbie 6/13/09, 10:22 PM  

You crack me up. And that doctors show is disgusting.

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