The Crazy Suburban Mom: The Ghost of Granny Panties Past...

Hobonichi Cousin Planner in my Filofax

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Ghost of Granny Panties Past...

Last Saturday I drove my son to a friend's house. Feeling hassled and it being early I grabbed the keys, stepped into my Crocs and ran out the door in my pajamas.

Besides the Barbie-pink crocs, I was wearing midnight blue flannel pajama pants (with shooting stars) and an inside-out mustard yellow Cape May, New Jersey night shirt. Before leaving I looked in the mirror and decided I was reasonably presentable for the current circumstance because:

1. I wasn’t getting out of the car.
2. The trip would take less than 15 minutes
3. The night shirt looked like a T-shirt and the chances of someone seeing my shooting star pajama bottoms were practically nil.

I wasn’t thinking about much during the car ride. I listened to talk radio; the boy had his iPod on. Someone on the radio was complaining. The sun was in my eyes. People were trying to pass me so they could get nowhere two minutes faster.

My normal day came to a crashing halt when I looked in my view mirror. That’s when it happened. Instead of seeing the traffic behind me I saw Grandma.

But not the Grandma with her perfect nails and immaculate attire; Grandma, the day she opened the door to her apartment in her underwear, holding an enema bag.

I was 18 years old and had my driver's license. Grandma was kind of cool and always had maple walnut ice cream; my mother didn’t, so Grandma's was a good place to go after school.

Grandma and her enema bag opened the door and said, Oh, Tracy. Good. You can help me with something.

I, stunned to near unconsciousness just went, No. Um, that’s okay, you look (I was struggling for a word here) ...busy?

You have to understand my horror at this point. I had never seen my Grandma in her underwear before, a fact I was good with. Things she had said to me over the years came tumbling back. Stomach ache? You need a good physic (Physic is what Grandma called laxatives). Headache. Physic. Confused. Get yourself a Physic. Got to move those bowels, she would say.

I started backing away from the door.

Grandma and her bag laughed at me, Don’t be silly, come in.

And with that Grandma walked into her kitchen (It was a small apartment, I could see the kitchen from outside her door) where she resumed defrosting her freezer.

With the enema bag.

I never forgot the day she answered the door in her Granny Panties. I've thought about it a lot since it happened. I didn’t want to; it’s just a visual you can’t forget no matter how hard you try.

And there she was the other day, in my rear view mirror, smiling, nodding, pointing to the enema bag. My first thought was, but I don't have a head ache... and than I realized she had come to save me from going farther down that slippery slope she herself had gone down all those many years before.

How is it that one day going out without mascara is unthinkable? And the next day (or week, or year…They all sort of run together) the only mascara you have on is what’s left under your eyes from the night before?

How does acceptable public attire go from I look hot! To, I look presentable, to, eh, at least I'm clean... To, no one is going to see my shooting star pajama pants anyway.

And believe me, when going out in your shooting star flannel pajamas becomes okay? You are so far down the slope already you need divine intervention from The Ghost of Granny Pantys Past.

I just showed you the next step. And it’s not pretty.

I’ve seen it.


40 Comments:

Christa 5/14/09, 6:48 AM  

OMG This is the best thing EVER, and because it's my birthday I laughed even harder. I too have notice since have children that I used to match clothes before I wore them, now I smell them. But oh well, I can't imagine seeing my grandma in her underwear though *shudder*

kiddiescorner 5/14/09, 7:11 AM  

Yep like Christa said this is the best. I'm laughing at how you wrote that. Another laugh from me Have a wonderful day!

Renee (nayski) 5/14/09, 7:16 AM  

LOL - thanks for my morning chuckle!

Buckeroo 5/14/09, 7:45 AM  

That totally cracked me up! So true, though.

The comment you just left on my post gave me a good chuckle, too. You're good for my heart. Have a great day.

Mama 5/14/09, 8:31 AM  

OMGAWD that is hysterical!I'm so far gone..ROFL

Katherine 5/14/09, 8:32 AM  

It is so weird here in England, there are no mom's dropping off their kids in PJ pants. They all dress up to go to school. There is no mom uniform. You can totally tell us Americans from the Brits. Americans= t-shirt, jeans, sneakers. Brits- Nice trousers, blouse, cute shoes. I feel like such a schlub sometimes when I am dropping my kiddo off at school.

Amy 5/14/09, 9:25 AM  

Okay did you stop by my house yesterday? I went out yesterday in some pink fuzzy pants, and a top, no make up, hair under a hat. Just to get out because it had been raining all day. I just thought no one would see me. When I went down a road and could not get out a nice man ran to my window and said, "There is another road over there you can get out" I wonder what he was think when saw me. Thanks for stopping by and following my blog. Hope to see you again.

Veronica Lee 5/14/09, 9:31 AM  

LOL, you sooo cracked me up!!

Mom's Fortress of Solitude 5/14/09, 10:05 AM  

OMG! I am so far beyond hysterical right now! After almost 17 years of being a mom, I have found myself in the same "Oh Hell . . . at least I'm wearing some form of clothing" state of mind.

I've been known to shovel the driveway in the dead of winter with my florescent yellow Doctor Seuss "One Fish, Two Fish . . . Red Fish Blue Fish" flannel pj pants tucked into the top of my snow boots! Who gives a hoot? I'm home; on my own property.

Now, I do admit my most embarrassing pj moment. That moment should have never seen the light of day.

I was rushing out the door to have my son up to the high school at 6 am to catch the bus to state championships on a Saturday morning.

I had borrowed my step-daughter's pants that were so conveniently draped over our dryer. I just grabbed them and left.

Well, I was stopped for going five miles over the speed limit.

"License and registration, please."

I grabbed my wallet that I so carelessly chunk into the car in my rush to leave the house, and my license was no where to be found.

I had to exit the vehicle to look in between and under the seats. There is was right there on the floor board.

"Found it!" I proclaimed.

This is when the officer busted out laughing, and hysterically said, "Never mind. I know who you are, now."

"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked, confused about where he knew me from.

"Well, your the infamous Juicy, right?"

That's when it dawned on me that I had thrown on my step-daughters pants that had the word, "Juicy" embroidered across the butt!

OMG I was so incredibly em bare assed! ;o)

Angela

Katy 5/14/09, 10:44 AM  

I am laughing out loud! Presently, I am wearing black comfy pants and a Walmart shirt that sooo closely resembles my mom's attire! I need to go change...

Our Art 5/14/09, 11:50 AM  

Don't worry, these are all signs of growing self-confidence. Looked it from that angle, it's still taking a very long time to be willing to be seen in ANYthing. I have noticed that I tend to look at my worst when I feel at my best. But whenever my spirit suffers, I make up for it on the outside. So when I am wearing make-up, PLEASE ask me how I REALLY am. Fortunately I have been looking like hell the last ten years - the best of my life.

...O, and I must tell you I am wearing red stretch-to-size tracksuit pants under my long skirt, with a red scarve to sort of make it work, and my best friend's late father's old nightgown for a winter coat. But hey, who cares - I am warm and comfy

MOM's FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, please read the following: I am so sorry I never saw in person what I am going to tell you now. The neighbour of an old friend of mine filled me in. She said our friend wanted to mow the front lawn (the premises had no front wall), but also wished she had time to get a tan. So she decided to mow the lawn in her bikini and get some sun at the same time. Her next worry was that she was going to get more wrinkles, so she donned a balaclava to pr0tect her face against the ravishes of the sun. And in addition to that, she, she did'nt want to get her pretty feet dirty, so she wore her ankle boots.

And so she mowed the front lawn in full public view. You have to admire that.

tracy 5/14/09, 12:49 PM  

Christa - Happy Birthday! and this:

"I too have notice since have children that I used to match clothes before I wore them, now I smell them."

I totally wish I had said that :)

Kiddiescorner, another laugh means you laughed before doesnt it??? Thank you Im so flattered, you made my day!

Renee - Hey! Hi there! Glad you came here :)

Buckeroo - Aw, thank you.... you mean the comment about not wanting to think about my son thinking about where babies come from?

Mama - we all are.

Katherine - you poor thing! How awful to live in a place like that (shudder)

Amy - oh no not the pink fuzzy pants! LOL

Veronica - awwwwwwwwww... thanks :)

Mom's Fortress (angela) that is a post right??? lol..its poetry, I tell ya!!

katy - isnt that what we are all wearing?

Our Art - If you want to judge my confidence by my outfit... Im at the top of my game :) But yes, its a valid and very true point ....


Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment... warms my cockles! Your the best!
tracy

whatan@hole 5/14/09, 12:59 PM  

All right then, I'm going to stop waiting for you to answer my e-mail asking your permission to leave comments on your blog. I am left to assume after today's post that "your" audience will not be offended by my name, reversed". I received several complaints that it was just to much of a pain to type it backwards. So here I am, Tracy, it was your call, and ya dropped the ball.

I love this post. You cracked me up.

I've stated before that life's lessons come to me the hard way.

I'll have to post about the time I got my daughter to help me do something with the promise that I knew where to find fresh donuts. At three in the morning, dressed just as you were, flannel sleeping pants and ripped t-shirt, I take off. It was just a couple miles, it's three in the morning, what could possibly go wrong.

At 3:30am, I was walking through the "projects" with my purse stuffed in the front of my pants, (thank God I WAS wearing granny panties) and clutching a bag of fresh donuts.

It was either the main highway or a short cut through the projects.

Zeemaid 5/14/09, 12:59 PM  

*LOL* that was a great post. Not only do have we gone down that slippery slope, we sneer at the moms who make themselves up still every morning... like OMG what does she do get up at 4 to put make up on?

*L*

tracy 5/14/09, 1:08 PM  

Ohhhhhhhhh! whatan@hole, I get it now... I had no idea what your screen name was. Man, I'm dense. I just sent you an email but I never got one from you....would have answered it ....

You bring up a good point though - dressing like this... does make people tend to leave us alone :)

Zeemaid - OH YEAH. I used to get up early to put on make up... Pfffft... Those days are so over... I'm closer to Christa up there ...who smells her kids clothes to see if they are clean at this point :)

Christina 5/14/09, 1:10 PM  

OMG! This post was absolutely hilarious!
BTW.. MY pajama pants are light orange and have blow pops and rainbow on them... My crocs are mango.. just a fancy way of saying orange really. I refuse to believe I'll ever answer the door in a pair of granny panties, but then again I can remember saying I'd never leave the house w/o my make up on too. Oh help me.. I need an intervention!

Foursons 5/14/09, 2:52 PM  

Oh my, do I dare admit it? Do I dare admit that I still have the underwear that I wore when I was pg w/my now 4-year-old?! Although they are not beige and don't come all the way up to my waist (I believe the package says "sporty")they are quite granny-esque and I do wear them more often than I want to admit. Is there a 12-step program out there for me?

By the way- Thanks for visiting my blog AND commenting! Love it!

Ashley B. 5/14/09, 3:01 PM  

I work from home as a medical transcriptionist, but I have to go to the practice that I work for to pick up mail, paperwork, etc. One day I got up in the wee hours of the morning, we're talking 6:00 a.m., and drove to the office in my pajamas to pick up my stuff, thinking that nobody would be there that early in the morning. Wrong! I ran into one of the PAs right off the bat. Sooo embarrassing...

Rachel 5/14/09, 3:17 PM  

very funny!

Great blog you have! I found you through some other mom blogs.

My blog contains a variety of topics. The focus is on saving money, making money, and time saving tips. Although sometimes, I enjoy just posting a random fact or something funny to cheer everyone up. We post about the practical, every day ways to save and make money.

Check it out and feel free to use or post whatever you like. Just let others know where you found it.

There are quite a few free things and deals in the next few days.

Have a great day.

www.chachingqueen.com


Cha Ching Queen
Helping you... Save: Money and time ~ Make: Extra cash ~ Learn: Random stuff
New! Austin and Dallas sections

marythemom 5/14/09, 3:25 PM  

Ok, I could talk about the time, my Grandmother decided it was OK to change clothes in front of me (I will always wear a bra, even to sleep - I was that scarred by the sight of pink tube socks, with a single ping pong ball in the "toe," that hung all the way down to her navel!).

Or I could talk about the time that 3 armed police officers came to my door (which has little windows you can look right into the house on either side of it) because my 7 month old had been playing with the cordless phone. The only way to get to a shirt was to pass the windows, and I was wearing nothing but a black nursing bra and too tight unzipped jeans that wouldn't zip unless I lay down - long story.

But I think I'll just admit that I still wear my cotton/ spandex Hanes control top undies that I started wearing after the birth of my daughter (who is now, gasp, almost 13) even though they are so old they are literally shredding when I pull them on, because I love them and Hanes doesn't make them anymore (despite my repeated e-mails).

12 and three-quarter year old Granny panties with holes and "runs." Feel any better Foursons?

Mary in Texas
http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/

Lesly 5/14/09, 4:50 PM  

listen...most days i go from pj's to sweats--commando. that's right, i don't even bother with the underwear. i figure, if sharon stone can so it...

Kathy B! 5/14/09, 9:19 PM  

How did you not end up in therapy for years?! No one should have to see their grandma like that! I guess it's good though so you can warn the rest of us of what's to come if we don't shape up :)

Howie&Karin 5/14/09, 11:18 PM  

ROFLOL

Sandy 5/15/09, 12:42 AM  

too funny, Tracy! Sad...true...and FUNNY!

tracy 5/15/09, 5:27 AM  

Christina - I covet your light orange pants that have blow pops and rainbow on them

foursons - sporty? lol

ashley b - OH NO! LOL

racheal - going to check out your site :)

marythemom - omg lol

lesly - sharon stone has nothing on us

kathy b - what makes you think i didnt? :)

karin - HI! so glad you stopped by!

Sandy - lol... apparently its everyone!! lol

SAHM4now 5/15/09, 9:30 AM  

That is hillarious. I have no doubt that you have been scarred for life. No wonder she came back to haunt you.
For the record, I don't think that you were out of line with what you were wearing, but I am in paisely pants and an old college T-shirt so I may not be the best litmus test.
Thanks for stopping by, you are invited any time.

Terri Bebla 5/15/09, 10:50 AM  

Hello there,

That was such a great post!!
Well, I am definitely with you on that one. I am a 29 year old mother of a an almost 2 year old and an almost 5 year old, so my days of grooming myself have become non existent. There are those rare occasions when I'll put make up on and groom my curly whirl wind of hair, (which I have forgotten how to do)
My oldest son will say, "Mommy you look handsome!" My husband will walk in from work and say "Baby you look beautiful, your hair doesn't look like Gene Wilder's!"

Seeing those floating creme colored G-ma panties just made me miss my mom even more! She wore the very same ones, and I'm sure I'll be wearing them someday!

Thank you for the comment on my blog!
I am intrigued by the title of you second blog "The artist in the mirror" What might that become, I wonder? Please keep me posted on your other blog!

The Knutson Klan 5/15/09, 11:21 AM  

Oh thank you for a good laugh! I needed it! I knew I could count on you!

It was also a good wake up call. I now pledge to not fall farther down the "granny panty" slope!

Is there something wrong with left over mascara?! :)

The Knutson Klan 5/15/09, 11:23 AM  

BTW, do you have a button I could grab and put on my blog? This is too great not to share!

tracy 5/15/09, 12:10 PM  

SAHM4now - I didnt think my attire was out of line either till I had that Granny Panty Sighting!

Terri - OH! this:
Baby you look beautiful, your hair doesn't look like Gene Wilder's

Thats right up there with 'What smells?' when Im cooking dinner...and NOTHING can convince me that was a compliment

the knutson klan - okay I made one. I know I needed one and I'll probably make a better one but I got one up in the corner for you. Thanks, I really did need to figure out how to do that!

Venti Vixen 5/15/09, 12:25 PM  

OMG, this is soooo how I feel daily. Is it bad that I went to return movies at blockbuster and pick up coffee at Starbucks in similar attire and just didn't care?!?!?!

Brooke 5/15/09, 3:21 PM  

Oh, I'm so on that slippery slop - yesterday I was looking a mess while taking my kids to the doctor's office, and as luck would have it, I ran into a long lost friend I haven't seen since high school. Urg.

Jeve 5/15/09, 5:22 PM  

Maybe you'll gain fame when someone nominates you for TLC's What Not to Wear!

John

Vonlipi 5/15/09, 11:11 PM  

OMG! Were you spying on me while I was removing the leaves from the pool????

I had a kelly green pijama bottom with pink candy canes on it, a lime green t-shirt (no bra) and a rust coat! So SEXY!

What I don't like about What Not to Wear is that every body comes out dressed basically the same way!

Mommynightowl 5/16/09, 4:05 AM  

I totally know what you mean. lol If I'm not getting out of the car when I drive somewhere the pj bottoms are not being changed. I could care less, no one will see it, right?

btw I have an award for you lovely blog over at mine

tracy 5/16/09, 5:29 AM  

Venti Vixen -No on notices cause we all look like that!

Brooke - I HATE that... thats the fear :)

Jeve - I never thought of that, its horrifying. Hopefull they arent filming my secrect footage, NOW!

Vonlipi -I totally want candy cane pajamas!

Mommynightowl - Right, no one will see :) I have to go grab the award! I think I may put links on the sidebar :)

tracy

Christine 5/19/09, 8:14 PM  

OMG!! I am so glad that I found this post!!!! I am laughing so hard that 'they' just may take me away .... I have tears crawling down my face ....Good job!

tracy 5/20/09, 11:40 AM  

Christine - I'm glad you found it too :) I havent worked out a way to manage how often I post...they get buried fast :)

tracy

a49erfangirl 6/7/09, 10:52 AM  

ROFL~!! Great Post!! Stopping by from Harriet's Comment Challenge!

Reluctant Housewife 8/18/09, 4:02 PM  

Very funny! I looked in the mirror yesterday and noticed that I have gray hairs in my eyebrows. My EYEBROWS? Why?

Granny panties are probably not all that far in my future.

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