The Crazy Suburban Mom: Ruffles and wings and thongs! Oh my!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ruffles and wings and thongs! Oh my!

I was up to seventy-three before I lost count. I was standing alone in the feminine hygiene aisle looking for the same kind of-What do they call it? - Protection that I bought last month. I couldn't believe the overwhelming number of options there seemed to be. But there they were in all their pastel-packaged glory.

I can not only get pads, but pads with wings and pads with wings that flex and pads with wings with Velcro. If I don't want pads with wings, I can get pads with ruffles (No doubt for my more feminine-yet-formal pad needs) and I can get pads for thongs (Which I assume are not pads for my shower shoes). There are hospital-style pads that protect all four walls (where ever they are) and in the future, I will always think of this pad when I hear the term padded-room. I can get pads in petite or plus sizes. You know its funny, I had always assumed some things didn't grow no matter how much weight you gained; apparently I was mistaken.

The choices multiplied as I stood in the feminine hygiene aisle perusing the pads. Do I want the pads that are thin yet long? And is the perfect long thin pad, the super long thin pad, the maxi long thin pad or the overnight long thin pad with baking soda? And why baking soda? Why not basil?

But my options didn't end with the pads themselves because I needed a carrying case . Some open silently ("Shhhh!" Is printed on the package) for special evenings when I will be needing my pads in quiet theatres, I suppose. This is also explained in French and Spanish; because apparently the French and Spanish need pads in quiet theatres, too.

As I stood transfixed by all my options, I wondered if they had really exhausted every possible pad permutation. Have the preeminent pad people really given this enough thought? Maybe the next winged-wonder just over the horizon?

Next month when I can't find the same pad I bought this month-And I assure you I won't -Will I find a collectable pad instead? When I'm lost in a sea of pastel packages, will a Limited-Edition Franklin Mint Collectable Pad catch my eye? Or will it be the I.D. Pad with clear slot for my picture. A pad with no wings but lots of Velcro so I can wrap it around my upper arm to display my identification. Or will it be the handy pre-printed business card pads? If someone hands me their card, I could hand them a pad. Better yet, I could Velcro it to them.

It's hard to get my mind around the need for all these pads. It's even harder to imagine perfectly normal people brainstorming new pad-ideas. I am, however, certain that in a top-secret facility somewhere in the desert southwest, lab-coated technicians are discussing it at this very moment. And I am equally convinced that at that top-secret facility the feminine hygiene companies are helping the government manage nuclear waste because not even the Nuclear Regulatory Agency fights leaks with the gusto of the pad people.

My musings were interrupted when a pale, dazed woman asked, "Ever tried these?" Shoving a pink package at me.
"I dunno," I told her.
She sighed. "Me either." And after giving me a defeated look, she shuffled off to laxatives.

At least, now know I'm not the only woman who feels like this in the feminine hygiene aisle. All of us feel this way, none of us knows where to look , and each pad really is clamoring for attention.

The pads have beaten me. Uncle. From now on Im sending my kid in to get them. And while I stand there and agonize over which one I had last month, and which one to get this month, and which one might meet my needs better. I have no doubt that my 17-year-old son will make it in and out of the store in 7 seconds flat (albeit scarred for life). And I'm betting whatever he gets will work out fine.

Last day to get in on my vintage pyrex giveaway!



Tina 4/23/09, 12:55 PM  

I have to say I been laughing since I read this entry a little while ago. Me and my 15 year old daughter had this conversation in a store a few months back, while I stood in that same store aisle thinking "where is just the plain ole ones I used to always buy". Everything has wings, ruffles, super, or now little extra wipey things. Told my daughter if I wanted to have wings, God would have made me a bird. Too funny there are other woman on this same thought process.....

ladyjanewriter 5/19/09, 9:07 AM  

Plus, I've heard at least 2 stories from pals where the hubby was sent in the drugstore to get pads and...wound up with Depends. Whups.

I hate wings. They don't work with thighs that chub-rub. I've actually had a pad or two stick to my mondo thights and then "creep" down the side of my leg whilst walking. Not, uh, good. Truly a Penguin Waddle To The Nearest Restroom Moment.

Kelley 5/21/09, 2:42 AM  

Oh my, you are so witty! I loved what you wrote and I was laughing so hard and loud - its a good thing it was 2 am and nobody was listening!! I'm going to call my mom and sister tomorrow though so I can share it with them. So very true - tooooooo many choices. My favorite part is the nuclear waste people! Thanks for making me laugh :-)

tracy 5/21/09, 5:59 AM  

Tina, I've showed this to people before and WE ALL feel this way. lol!

LadyJane - LOL! Best story ever... depends. perfect :)

Kelley - Thank you!! And I was up at 2 also.. I'm up a lot thinking of this ridiculousness :)

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